I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
