Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Oh god it's open bar.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
