Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
be right there i have to get my cape
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
