if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
only you would photoshop your dick
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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