can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
did i walk over a car last night?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We left the knife in your bed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
