tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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