So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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