someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
