I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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