I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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