A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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