Apparently you make a good broom.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
