Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
