my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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