You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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