I will die if light touches me.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
