You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
