Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
