It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
