just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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