when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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