So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
