Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
