I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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