I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize