I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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