My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
