there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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