My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there was a trapeze. enough said
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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