I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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