i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize