Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
