I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
