I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
