Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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