My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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