I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize