I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
