My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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