My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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