Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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