with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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