It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize