Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
