its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
