Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
