when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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