i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Less talking, more tequila
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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