Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
