she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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