How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Randomize
