tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
