new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
