Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize