I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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