don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
