no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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