mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
