i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
