just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
