I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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