our cab driver is having phone sex.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
