There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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