my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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